Edward and 'The Talk'
by swimminglvr
Summary: Some point before Edward and Bella get it on, Edward asks Carlisle, Emmett, and Jasper about their 'personal experiences' with the D. Go through the humiliation of Edward's first sex talk, and the many unfortunate ones after...
1. Carlisle Part One

A/N-Hi this is Jocelyn's wife Caytie (Mrs. Weasley the Kataang luver) who's helping her write this awesome story. This is what we think happened when Edward went to Carlisle for the official sex talk. LOL, enjoy and REVIEW

Edward POV:

I shifted nervously from foot to foot outside Carlisle's office door.

"Edward, I know you're out there." I laughed, of course he knew.

Super vampire senses was as plus of being a monster. On the down side, I was unable to be intimate with the love of my existence. Who, might I add, was perfectly okay with my monstrosity. I sighed. Better get this nightmare over with...

I pushed the door open and entered my father's private study.

_Hello Edward. So, what's on your mind?_

"Uh... Carlisle... I think we need to talk."

"You're not backing out on your side of the deal are you?" _Because she married you Edward, and you know how hard that was for her, even if you can't read her mind._

"Carlisle-"

_Wait, he's not gay is he? That would kill Bella._ He put his head in his hands. "Argh! I knew this was coming. Think this through, Edward-"

"Carlisle-"

_This is going to be really awkward._

"Carlisle-"

_How am I going to explain this to Esme?_

"CARLISLE!" I yelled. I never yell at him. He turned to look at me.

_What Edward? I kind of have a lot on my mind..._

"I'm not gay!" I finally managed to say.

_Oh...this is awkward. _"Sorry...I just assumed..."

I rubbed my temples. Wait, was this because I'm a _virgin?_

"I was just wondering about...well...about...doing it.?" Carlisle cleared his throat.

"Well...it's...it's a wonderful experience Edward. You are so lucky to be sharing it with someone you truly love."

"Is it a possibility that, well...she might get hurt? That I might get too...in the moment?"


	2. Carlisle Part Two

A/N: And the ordeal continues!! Watch out for the next chapters which include Edward's bachelor party and the pep talk he gets from Jasper and Emmett!

Carlisle POV:

"Edward, how much do you love Bella?" He stared at me, shocked.

"More than love itself." He glared at me. "Now can you answer my question?"

I got up and started pacing around the room. I rubbed at my chin and frowned.

"Edward. What I'm about to say may frustrate you. But I need you to bear with me and let me get it all out."

He nodded his head, probably not sure how to reply since he was unable to read my thoughts. I was doing a very good job keeping the ideas blocked.

"Sit down," I commanded. He sat on the leather seat opposite my desk. He tethered nervously on the edge, but I knew well enough he would not fall.

"Edward," I began, and then paused, organizing my thought without actually _thinking_ them. Which, is extremely challenging. Even for me and I've had the longest to work on it. Alice is better. But I am getting off track.

"Edward," I began, AGAIN. "I see how much love you hold for Bella. I would say it was unnaturally for someone your age, but, you aren't exactly the typical seventeen year old. You've had a while to work on it." I was rambling, and getting of track again. Stupid sex talk. Stupid Edward. Why couldn't he just talk to Jasper or Emmett... SHOOT! He can read my mind!

"Anyway, I believe that you have so much love for Bella, there is no way you could ever hurt her. No matter how...er...distracted you happen to get."

"Thats what Bella says," he replied, "but I don't see the logic in that."

I sighed. It was hopeless. Might as well tell him what he wants to hear.

"Let me finish, Edward. That being said, your...uh...sexual intentions may instead put Bella in danger. It is quite possible that she will not come out of this alive."

He groaned. "I know, but Carlisle...I honestly don't know how much longer I am going to be able to resist her. She's just so...seductive."

I sat down and folded my hands. "Well, Edward, it's extremely normal for teenage boys to feel well..." I shuttered at the idea of teenage hormones. "...well, especially strong about their...er...sexual desires." It probably didn't help that whenever Jasper was near he sent horny feelings to Edward.

Edward immediately straightened up. "_What_ did you just think?" he hissed.

"Uh...well...Jasper likes to...uh...muddle your...sensibility when you're...intimate with Bella." Jasper was going to be furious with me. It had been a thoroughly interesting joke between the all the rest of the members of our family...

"Jasper is so-"

I mean, even Bella knew...

"Wait, _Bella_ knew about this? You allowed Jasper make _me_ horny _and_ told my girlfriend about it?" His hands were clenched in fists of rage.

"Edward, I'm really sorry-"

"Thats it!" he yelled at me for the second time again today. He stood up in a flash, even angry he was inhumanly graceful. "I'm fucking Bella after our wedding, whether or not Jasper is there to help make me horny!"

I heard chortling from outside, but blocked it quickly so as not to inform Edward of our audience. Edward darted out the door and I barely turned my head quick enough to see him dart across the lawn.


	3. Carlisle Part Three

Chuckling to myself, I ran down the steps and outside. Two bushes bellow my office window were shaking in an unnatural manner. I pulled Jasper and Emmett out by their ears.

"Boys!" I scolded. "Surely I taught you better than to eavesdrop?"

Emmett glowered and Jasper wouldn't meet my eyes. Something else was going on.

"Come on, daddy," I had no idea why Emmett insisted on the byname, "we were only having a little fun picking on Edward and screwing with his poor virgin feelings."

"Jasper," I said, harshly. He glared at Emmett.

"Tattle-tale," he hissed.

"Jasper," I continued, "you know that was cruel to mess with Edward's mood. He is such a good older brother to you two, have some respect."

"How can I have respect for an older brother who hasn't been laid yet," Emmett threw up his hands, "I mean, come on! he beats the 41-year-old virgin by like..." he paused, unsure of the number, then began counting on his fingers.

"107-106-105-104-103-102-101-100-99-98-97...wait, what comes after 97?"

Jasper moaned. "Its 66 you idiot!"

"66-95-94-"

"No, not that!" Jasper smacked him forehead. "Edward beats the 41-year-old virgin by 66 years!"

"Oh..."

"You both are punished for an extremely long time! You can not go within a ten mile radius of Edward when he is with Bella."

"Thats ridiculous!" Jasper hissed, "what are we supposed to do if he brings her here?"

"Thats not my problem," I shrugged, "and don't hiss at me, young man."

"Yes, Carlisle," he dropped his head in defeat.

I looked over at Emmett to see if he would succumb to my authority. He looked like he was pondering something. Which was never a good sigh...

"Oh oh oh oh OH! Pick me, Carlisle, pick me!!" he jumped up and down.

"What Emmett?" I asked warily.

"If you're punishing us for eavesdropping and laughing at Eddie-poo..."

I sighed.

"...then you have to punish Esme too!"

I stared at him, shocked. "_What?"_

Something flew past my head and smacked Emmett in the face. I had just enough time to see the impression Emmett's hard head had made before it fell down. Suddenly, Esme was in Emmett's face.

"Emmett Cullen!" she roared, "How _dare_ you say that! You promised me you wouldn't say anything to Carlisle! When I get through with you young man, you're going to wish you were never born!"

Emmett stared at Esme wide-eyed. "So-so-sorry Esme!"

"Don't you 'sorry' me mister! I'll have you know that you are in _so_ much unbelievable trouble!" she shrieked. "And _now_, because _you're_ such an _idiot, _my favorite frying pan is _ruined_!"

**God, she was so hot when she was angry!** My body and mind were screaming to run and take her into my arms.

Jasper chuckled. I shuffled uncomfortably.

"Now boys, you know your punishment. Do not go anywhere near Edward when he is with Bella. Now go do something useful...like helping Alice with delivering the invitations."

Jasper started to walk slowly away. Emmett groaned and looked like he was struggling with something. Esme was standing furiously over by her frying pan.

"Can I help you Emmett?"

"Well, I was wondering..." Jasper turned around to see what the hold up was with Emmett.

"Yes?"

"I was wondering...what about Esme? She eavesdropped too!" Emmett complained. Esme turned to shoot daggers at Emmett.

"Don't worry Emmett, she will be punished." Her face turned ashy-white.

Emmett ran and stood next to Jasper. They turned around. Emmett took off. Jasper turned his head and looked at me funnily.

"Carlisle" he said. "I don't think fucking her is an appropriate punishment." Before I could respond, he dashed into the forest.

I turned to look Esme as if it was her fault our children were so screwed up. She shrugged.

"He _can _read emotions. Just think about that Carlisle. You _do_ remember exactly what you were feeling earlier?"

If I could blush, I would've.


	4. Bachelor Party Part One

**A/N: Hi guys! Emmett and Jasper bachelor party is finally up!! It took me a while to figure out exactly how I was going to write it. I really hope you like it!! **

**Reminder: this takes place right after Jasper and Emmett 'steal' Edward from Bella for the bachelor party.**

**PS. Jasper is not the bad guy. Just read the entire thing. It adds to the story.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own twilight.**

EPOV

We were running at top speed through the forest, not at all ruled by our senses. I glared at Jasper. He shrank back at the intense wave of fury I sent at him. He drew to an abrupt halt and Emmett and I doubled back to see what had made him stop.

"What Jasper?" I asked, irritated.

He glared at me. "Can you _please_ tell me what the problem is?! I keep getting a potluck of emotions and its driving me CRAZY!! First you're mad at me and I cant figure out why! And _then _you're embarrassed! And then you're confused. And _then_ you're depressed. AND THEN YOU'RE ANGRY AGAIN!! " He started panting heavily.

I stared at him.

Emmett started cracking up. Jasper swung his arm around and threw him to the ground.

"ITS NOT FUNNY!" He screeched murderously. Emmett continued laughing, this time chortling because he was splayed out across the damp forest floor.

Jasper started to breathe heavily again. Suddenly, a red siren went off in my head. I didn't need to be able to read emotions to tell Jasper had _finally_ snapped. But I couldn't stop the obvious thrashing that was about to become Emmett. Because it was just so _funny_!!

Jasper took a hesitant step back, and at first I thought he was regaining control of his emotions. His body stopped shaking with the strain of forcing the anger back and his mind was blank. Secretly, I was glad. Having this intense of a fight could split the family. He took two more steps back, this time fluently and graceful. Emmett was still on the ground, laughing his ass off.

I felt a sudden respect for Jasper, who could control his anger at Emmett, which was almost impossible to do at times. Especially because Emmett was the most immature person in the universe.

Jasper flung his head around to look at me in reaction to my sudden burst of admiration. His eyes glanced crazily at me and his lips were curled into the most frightening smile I had ever seen.

What I had interpreted as control of his anger had actually been the opposite. Jasper had not destroyed his emotions, rather, he let them destroy him. I could see the way the anger pulsed through his veins and took control of his mind and body. With those steps Jasper had allowed the anger to absorb him, and he was no longer Jasper. He was anger.

I stared, too stunned to react. For the first time in a hundred years, my neck was stiff in fear.

His eyes had turned from a light gold to pitch black, an endless pit of hatred and spite.

In that split second of eye contact, I could see exactly what Jasper had become. Or, what he had been hiding from us. Because this kind of hatred would be impossible to rid yourself of. This man in front of me was no man. He was a monster. This was a vampire. A pulse stopping, blood curdling vampire. This was what we had never seen in Jasper. This was the man from the South. This was the military vampire. This was the true Jasper. This was _fear._

He crouched down. The muscles rippled down his back, and he growled.

"JASPER, N-"

He leaned back on his heels and launched himself through the air. His back arched and he began to descend upon Emmett, who was still laughing.

Jasper was fast, but I was faster. I flung myself forward and collided into Jasper as he was inches from killing Emmett. I had put so much force into it (probably too much force) that when our bodies collided, it was like running into a boulder 100 times your mass. As we connected, the contact was so great that the noise thundered across the mountains.

I pinned Jasper against the ground, and he flung around crazily. His eyes were furious, and for a small hundreth of a second, I regretted saving Emmett, because now this nightmarish hate was aimed at me. But I only regretted it for that hundreth of a second.

I turned to look at Emmett to see if he was fazed at all by this encounter. I could almost swear he was laughing harder.

Jasper began to struggle even more. But this time, he seemed to be shaking rather than fighting. I returned my attention back to him, to make sure he wasn't going to do anything painful to the arms that were cuffing his to the ground.

But, he wasn't, not even close. He was actually the farthest thing from ripping my arms off.

...

Because he was laughing too.


End file.
